Why Men Can Make Dumb Business Decisions
My wife and I hung up the phone from Geico insurance just as gleeful as could be that the changes in usage of the cars that we and our kids use would now save us $5,000 a year.
“You see Honey, that’s why it was important for you to be on this call,” I told my wife. Earlier that morning, she wanted me to call Geico myself so that she wouldn’t have to deal with it because she hates talking about money.
When I told her no, but that we would make the call together when she got home, she huffed and puffed and barely told me to have a good day as she pulled out the driveway.
My wife doesn’t like discussing money, but she sure loves saving it. She said to me after the call, “Honey I have to admit that I had a bad attitude. You were so right.”
Her response gave me angst as I contemplated bringing up a touchy subject with me. I wrestled in my mind the pros and cons of opening up old wounds, but in the middle of my thoughts, my mouth went on autopilot and just said it. “Men don’t want to be right, Honey, we want to be respected.”
“I know,” my wife said. “I’m working on that. But I need…” She paused. “Nevermind, I’m sorry. Thank you for taking care of our family the way that you do. It makes me happy and I’m grateful for that.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, but that wasn’t what I was thinking. That wasn’t what I meant when I said that I would rather be respected than right. When I brought this up before, what ticked me off was that she had to ask me what I meant when I said that men don’t want to be right, they want to be respected. But then I had to realize that everybody doesn’t get home training on how to respect their spouse.
So I explained it with the example that when her boss makes a plan or a decision that involves her doing something, my wife doesn’t huff and puff and have a funky attitude about it, she does it to the best of her ability without any pushback. She may ask her boss for clarification or make suggestions, but her goal is to get the task done.
I am looking for the same type of respect. When I have an idea or vision or plan or suggestion, the response I am looking for is one of true support and encouragement even if we discover together that it is ultimately not a good idea.
I’m okay with that.
But I’m not okay with the shaking of the head followed by an instant pushback that immediately crosses the idea off without exploring it. And then to apologize later saying that I was right. I don’t want to be right, I want to be respected.
Bringing this point up before, my wife got fed up and told me that she felt that she had to think about some of my ideas because years ago I made some dumb business decisions that cost me my job and caused us to lose our house.
I must admit she’s right about that. In fact, I made a number of dumb business decisions which didn’t go well for me or for my family. But just as her boss has made dumb business decisions and they worked through them to come out okay on the other side, I am looking for the same tenacity with me. My attitude about dumb mistakes and transitions and difficulties is this: inconvenient, absolutely; catastrophic, never.
And just like her boss chose her to work at the company, I chose my wife to marry me and be my lifelong soulmate.
Today I am in my own business and business is good. We have our own house again, both kids are in college, money is in the bank, and life is good.
But the problem is that I’m often gun shy in sharing my future business ideas with my wife. I will share with her some things, but I have found myself holding back other things because I don’t trust that she’s able to give me the respect that I want in order to effectively process the ideas I’m working through. The phone call to Geico reminded me that after 25 years, this issue of not wanting to be right but be respected will probably never go away.
Hiding things from my wife is not good, and it leads to resentment. It could also lead to a secret life where later my wife could say, “Our marriage was all a lie. I don’t know who you are anymore.” It affects my business negatively because I don’t have all the answers and need additional eyes on projects.
So what do I do?
I had to do something because if I hid things from her, I would be prone to making more dumb business decisions. So I had to get the point to do the following:
- Resolve in my mind that at this point, she doesn’t understand and may never understand how I define respect, nor is she capable of giving it to me. Since I cannot change another person how I want to change them, I can only change myself and how I respond to them.
- Ask Lawrence to be my business mentor and since she likes him and respects him, discuss my business ideas with him in front of her since he knows how to work through things like that. She can see what I am looking for when it comes to what respect looks like to me.
- Do not ask Ellen to be a mentor since then my wife will see it as competition with another woman, and it will go south quickly.
- When I share an idea, tell my wife what I need from her ahead of time. For example, I had created an explainer video for a client for one of his products. I thought about creating a similar one for the business which would require a significant investment but with a huge upside. I should ask my wife for feedback as a potential customer only.
- Understand that telling my wife what I need ahead of time will not always get the response I’m looking for, so be open to listening and receiving her response and be thankful.
- Share with my wife regularly when we are in an intimate setting what respect means to me and how it motivates me to do everything for her and makes me want to do things for her even before she asks me to do them, like folding and putting away the clothes, cleaning the kitchen, and fixing the yard.
- Understand that the issue with my wife is not about her, but it is about me and how I respond to things that I don’t like. When I understood this, I started looking at how to respond when I feel disrespected. When I do respond, I often use negative energy to fight back in order to gain a sense of respect. That has never worked for me because when I have fought back, although I won, I lost—every time.
When my wife did something later which I would have classified as disrespectful, I found myself laughing a little bit because I knew what this was a test to see where I was on this issue in our relationship. The fact that I got ahead of it and caught it before the feeling arose made me laugh because I felt like, “You’re not going to get me. Got you!”
My wife asked me why I was laughing, and I could honestly tell her because I’ve had seen her respond to me like that before. She didn’t like what I said, but she preferred my laughter over me telling her once again that men don’t want to be right, they want to be respected.
This is a GudeJob principle where I have gained an understanding of what I’m sure will help me achieve on-the-job success. I’m sure this understanding will keep me from making dumb business decisions in the future.
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