How to Redefine Family Conflicts
Family conflict is going to happen. In fact, a family where there's no conflict is a family that's unhealthy. No conflict means no communication. According to the University of Colorado Boulder, almost all conflict involves miscommunication; ergo the relationship between conflict and healthy relationships.
When I was younger, I wore a lot of black and had that “heavy metal” look. My mother thought I'd taken up with the devil. Really, I was a chubby teenager and black is flattering if you're fat. I wasn't dressing that way because I rejected my upbringing or my family, I was dressing that way because girls who wouldn't take notice of me otherwise suddenly did. Many teenagers do things like this for reasons like this. In fact, people in general often have more reasoning “under the surface” that's not immediately apparent.
As an adult I don't listen to death metal or wear goofy clothing. The phase passed for me, just like my Dad's “greaser” phase passed for him. My parents, though horrified, on some level understood the nature of my outcry, and were able to let me mature through it.
There are many young people who don't have such a good relationship with their parents, and so hold onto teenage whimsy or childhood abuse well into adulthood. I was lucky. Unbeknownst to them, my parents did a GUDEJob raising me. They operated with Gratitude, Understanding, Determination, and Enthusiasm. They were thankful when I followed directions, understanding when I was a fool, determined to see me succeed and enthusiastic about that success. Over time, I about-faced from my foolish phase. This kind of approach doesn't just work for parent/child interaction, it is also a good method of living in general, and can help in every social sphere from marital relationships to your day-to-day job.
Reconciling Dysfunctional Relationships
How you get on with your kids can have lasting consequences, but reconciling differences isn't just something that needs to happen between parents and children. Many relationship conflicts are between husbands and wives, or even coworkers who act as a kind of surrogate family. In fact, according to Forbes.com, sixty to eighty percent of organizational difficulties come from strained relationships between employees. Meanwhile, most conflict in a relationship comes from miscommunication, as noted earlier.
So the following tips concern proper communication in order to avoid/reconcile conflict.
- Don't React Immediately
- When a confrontation happens, don't go with your gut. Your immediate instincts may not be your best ones.
- Emotions have their purpose, but they can take over. Respond, don't react.
- Avoid Target Rich Environments
- Know areas where conflict naturally arises, like new marital relationships, birth, school, teen years, etc. According to Relevant Magazine, the five biggest marital areas of conflict are:
- Money
- Sex
- Children
- Work
- Chores
It may be prudent to approach such topics with caution.
- Listen—listening can give you a problem's full scope; immediate response may just stoke the fire. Naturally we only remember between 25 and 50 percent of what we hear. Get those numbers higher by paying attention!
- Forgive
- Holding a grudge, even if you are in the right, is bad for your health. It increases heart rate, blood pressure, and distresses your facial muscles.
- Be proactive about restoring a relationship. If you don't do it, who will?
- Scientifically, nobody's perfec That includes you.
- Do the Right Thing, and Don't Be Afraid of Unconventional Approaches
- Just because there may be a conflict, doesn't mean you should shy away from it. Sometimes that new boyfriend is benign, sometimes he's malignant. Use discretion.
- Sometimes reconciling means telling an uncomfortable truth, sometimes it means making a funny face. According to Hidden Conflict in Organizations, most informal conflict resolution takes what's known as a “non-rational” approach. Be willing to take that leap.
Final Thoughts
Conflicts don't automatically equate to irreconcilable differences. Whether you're a new couple just experiencing marriage or an old couple dealing with a teenager learning how to be an adult, misunderstandings and outright wrongs will present themselves regularly. How you respond goes a long way in determining whether or not you can peacefully live with a spouse, or function with coworkers whose lives are diametrically opposed to your own.
Treat others how you yourself would like to be treated. Communication means give and take. If you're not taking, how can others receive? Be willing to admit you yourself are imperfect, but are above-all are concerned with preserving the relationship, rather than abandoning it.
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